Theo’s Top Ten Tasty Treats
1.) Dinh Ho
2.) Ruth’s Cris
3.) Hut’s
4.) P.Terry’s
5.) Chipotle
6.) Dan’s Hamburgers
7.) Freebirds
8.) WanFu Too
9.) Bee Caves Barbecue
10.) Snow Beach

-Lee Caffee
Standing at 6 feet tall and weighing
in at 235 pounds, Theo
Halls is a formidable man. He is the juggernaut of fine-dining, the
powerhouse
of snack-munching. He annihilates all within his path whether it be
taco, burger
or steak. With one hand he holds a burrito; with the other he holds two
more.
No one can stop him. All shall tremble at his feet.
Whether it was fate or chance, this
reporter was lucky
enough to discover the demigod among food-fearing men while dining at
his local
Chipotle. The
feasting enthusiast kindly
took the time to set aside the banquet laid out before him and answer
some
questions regarding his divine influence upon the food industry. He
started by
enlightening me with his humble beginning.
“I suppose it dates back to
the campfire as a young lad when
I first realized two s’mores were way better than
one,” Theo said. “Upon this
realization I understood that many things in life are better in
multitudes.”
Theo explained that as he gained girth, he also began to establish himself as a true expert and authority on the art of consumption.
Upon establishing his qualification in this matter, Theo
proceeded to provide our conversation with some examples of
“eating manliness”,
as he coined the phrase.
“I once took a bet with my
friends, involving the ingestion
of 36 slices of pizzas at Gatti Town even though I had just finished a
full
meal, as a test to my will— to my manhood,” Theo
began. “I did gain $5 out of
it, but sometimes it’s not about the money, it’s
about the glory.”
Amongst my gasps of wonder and
admiration for the enigma
that was sitting before me, I managed to cry out for another feat of
strength.
“There was a day I gained a
place upon the Wall of Flame at
Pluckers by consuming 38 Fire-In-The-Hole wings,” Theo added
quite coolly. “I
was very proud of my picture on the wall.”
There was a moment of silence between
us as I sat in awe of
this large, powerful man. The stillness was broken when I asked how he
could
retain all that food in his belly.
“I have a very strong stomach,” Theo replied.
“Stronger than
most, actually. I can watch Titanic
without crying. You need to remember that if I did not exercise, I
could
probably gain 300 pounds since I usually consume as much as the diet of
an 800
pound man in a day.”
Time was drawing short. Before we departed, I asked Theo if he had any last statement to make for the world.
“Well, I would just like to make it clear that one of my highest ambitions is to be kicked out of an all-you-can-eat buffet.”I nodded my head in approval, shook hands and exchanged farewells. I knew I would likely never see a greater man.