Theo on Rye

-Lee Caffee

Standing at 6 feet tall and weighing in at 235 pounds, Theo Halls is a formidable man. He is the juggernaut of fine-dining, the powerhouse of snack-munching. He annihilates all within his path whether it be taco, burger or steak. With one hand he holds a burrito; with the other he holds two more. No one can stop him. All shall tremble at his feet. 

Whether it was fate or chance, this reporter was lucky enough to discover the demigod among food-fearing men while dining at his local Chipotle.  The feasting enthusiast kindly took the time to set aside the banquet laid out before him and answer some questions regarding his divine influence upon the food industry. He started by enlightening me with his humble beginning. 

“I suppose it dates back to the campfire as a young lad when I first realized two s’mores were way better than one,” Theo said. “Upon this realization I understood that many things in life are better in multitudes.” 

Theo explained that as he gained girth, he also began to establish himself as a true expert and authority on the art of consumption.

“I would consider myself a connoisseur,” Theo elucidated. “I know what pleases me and I feel that my opinions are actually better than others’ in most things that I deal with such as eating. It’s hard to be me; I’m not going to lie.”

Upon establishing his qualification in this matter, Theo proceeded to provide our conversation with some examples of “eating manliness”, as he coined the phrase. 

“I once took a bet with my friends, involving the ingestion of 36 slices of pizzas at Gatti Town even though I had just finished a full meal, as a test to my will— to my manhood,” Theo began. “I did gain $5 out of it, but sometimes it’s not about the money, it’s about the glory.” 

Amongst my gasps of wonder and admiration for the enigma that was sitting before me, I managed to cry out for another feat of strength. 

“There was a day I gained a place upon the Wall of Flame at Pluckers by consuming 38 Fire-In-The-Hole wings,” Theo added quite coolly. “I was very proud of my picture on the wall.” 

There was a moment of silence between us as I sat in awe of this large, powerful man. The stillness was broken when I asked how he could retain all that food in his belly.

“I have a very strong stomach,” Theo replied. “Stronger than most, actually. I can watch Titanic without crying. You need to remember that if I did not exercise, I could probably gain 300 pounds since I usually consume as much as the diet of an 800 pound man in a day.” 

Time was drawing short. Before we departed, I asked Theo if he had any last statement to make for the world.

“Well, I would just like to make it clear that one of my highest ambitions is to be kicked out of an all-you-can-eat buffet.” 

I nodded my head in approval, shook hands and exchanged farewells. I knew I would likely never see a greater man.